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A little more….

So because of my past relationships, trust is a very hard thing for me. I’ve had some people do some pretty messed up things to me, so that now my brain will constantly twist things and make me question reality.

For example, Kyle plays a lot of games on his phone, so because I have caught him in the past talking to other girls, my mind instantly thinks hes just on his phone to talk to other girls. He will even sit there and make sure to his phone where I can see exactly what he is doing, but even with my mind says he is just showing you what he wants you to see. This is just one slight example, but everything the guy does my brain can somehow twist to he’s cheating on me.

Kyle is aware of all of this, as crazy as it all sounds I tell him all these thoughts and I feel its very important. He definitely understands how his actions has played into this and takes that responsibility. He tries to takes extra steps to ensure me that he isn’t talking to anyone else, which ensures me how much he really does care. No I do not constantly check his phone, in fact I hate the idea of looking thru his phone, I’ve never wanted to that kind of girlfriend. However to really set my mind at ease I do randomly usually when he is sleeping go through his phone. This all came up today because with him starting his new job, he will be working until after midnight and keeps talking about how he may have to work all these extra hours, and with these hours and while I still have a job we won’t see much of eachother at all. My mind is turning this all into him spending time with other girls, and is freaking out. And when my mind isn’t over stressing about bills and finances, it extra stress on this subject.

Then there is also my 2yr old, who is so damn cute it gets him in trouble. He is in the stage that he is boss, “huh”, and mine stage. He very much likes to test boundaries and will even smile at you while he does it. And yet has a heart of gold, and melts my heart everyday when he comes to cuddle.

Freaking out just a little…..

So this weekend was good overall, we didn’t do much but it was nice and chill. But now I’m having a freak out……even on days that I know for a fact he was home all day, there are times that there is no evidence that he was actually home. Today is one of those days, and that I forgot my keys with him today so he was to drop them off at daycare so I could get them when I get q. Daycare says he dropped the keys off at 1230 which at that time I was under the impression he showered and was napping and when I went to remind him to do it he acted like he was gonna get it done. He did clean up the kitchen but honestly it was half done already.

I hate feeling this way, it’s all my brain thinks about now…..who did he go see for lunch? If he works late tonight, is he really working? Where else can I look to get honest answers? You know he is gonna come up with all kinds of excuses. I try not thinking about it at all, I went and hung out with a friend but the whole time I kept zoning out thinking about it. Here at home I’m cooking supper, spending time with q but it’s still there….lingering……

Grumpy start

Irritated and frustrated is the start to my morning; Q comes in at 6 this morning, I tell him to go wake up his dad it is my turn to sleep in, dad says come here Q and goes back to snoring. Q continues to whine and wouldn’t you know it I gotta pee again so I just as well get my ass up. I get up and I’m not quiet as it would really would be nice if K would let me sleep in and get up, but not today. Q and I get to the living room and it is instantly whining to watch boss baby which our Netflix is on hold right now so it’s just not an option, so finally after a good 10 minutes of screaming and whining we agreed on an movie. Next fight is breakfast, which of course everything he wants we are out of and we are down to the last of many. After this next week things will start improving again since k with be getting paychecks.

I miss the days of being able to sleep until your body decided it wasn’t gonna sleep anymore. Hell, I would be fine getting up at 6 if I could even just sleep thru the whole night. Last night I think I was up in the bathroom almost every hour. Well it’s time to at least enjoy the peaceful morning before chaos hits.

After the meltdown

So after my whole meltdown yesterday morning, last night wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I facetimed with my brother, cuddled with Q and fell asleep for a bit. I woke up a bit before he got off work so I went and laid in bed, smoked my bowl and tried to fall asleep. That’s when the thoughts started and I started to get worked up a little bit, and then he showed up. We sat up talking about his day and how excited he is for this job, and how he really thinks with the money from this job we can finally get ahead. And then we talked about my day and my anxieties, and again he assured me that he is happy with our life and what we are working on together and isn’t going anywhere.

I woke up this morning feeling better about everything overall. I got with Q and we let dad sleep in. Of course Q started whining right away to watch Boss baby and unfortunately for the moment our Netflix account is on hold, but man you would have thought it was the end of the world. This attitude he displays hits the end of my patience rope so quick these days, so now today he don’t get to watch any of his shows. So now the bedroom and living room and scattered with toys ha ha, and my motivation for the day I think jumped out the window! Almost thinking about making it a coloring day.

Meltdown

So Tues. And Wed. I stayed home sick I dont know what the hell I caught but it was awful. The bf was amazing took q to daycare made sure I had everything I could need next to the bed. I’m not used to this so it really kind of throws me off at times.

I also had a moment to go thru his phone, and yes I did it. Now let me say this I do not go thru his phone every chance I get, and he tells me all the time “I dont care anymore, babe, go thru my phone I dont do anything. I go thru his phone when it has been quite some time since I’ve looked, and I’m really struggling mentally and I need that check with reality that he is really still being honest with me. So I checked his phone and there was nothing on it. I’m not surprised.

So today he starts his new actual shift which is 4pm – 1230am and the word is there, that there is always overtime so he could be working till 6am everyday. Which for him he see overtime lots of money catching up on bills and getting ahead. My mind on the other hand is yeah he is just setting himself so he can say he has to work till 6am and go hang out with some chic. He comes home at 6 sees me for a cpl of hours takes me to work and q to daycare and he has all day to himself and to hang out with girls or whatever. And the more excited he gets about this job and the money he could be bringing him home the more mind is convinced that he really is just excited about how much he doesn’t have to deal with me and q anymore. With that shift change happening today, I had a complete meltdown last night and this morning, especially this morning. And now it’s just me and Q here at home and part of me is going crazy. When I get home from work and look around the house to see what he did today any cleaning? making a mess? lay and watch TV all day? However there really isn’t any evidence that he was home except that I can tell he changed clothes. However that has never changed about him anytime we have been home at different times I always question whether he was actually home. I hate having all these thoughts, I had a friend even offer to drive me by his work to show me that he is there. I dont want to be that person nor do I want to rely on that rather than building the trust back up. There is nothing in my gut that says he is cheating on me, the majority of this is just past shit that has been done to me and since everything usually turns bad my brain is preparing for the worst, especially because in reality life is going good right now; however I also dont want to feel stupid. Like I said I talk to him about all of this so he knows all these thoughts and how I am struggling with this. He completely grabbed me this morning and hugged me deeply and told me he absolutely loves me and isn’t going anywhere and everything is going to be okay. Deep down I know it really is, but today I had a meltdown!

Just a little venting……

So I have shared with you how my mind likes to twist absolutely everything, here is my morning so far…. I didn’t sleep well again a lot of getting up to go the bathroom. Q wakes up screaming at like 5am, thankfully goes back to sleep. 6am alarm 1 goes off so the bf can get up and shower. I always have to poke a good couple of times before he actually gets up. He gets up grabs his phone and heads to the bathroom. My first thought is I actually get to sleep in, then I hear the water go on, and my brains starts up….. He is in there texting or fbing with another female, I will turn everything off just so I can hear everything, and yes at times I will even get up and go listen by the door. I have never caught him doing anything at these times but it drives my mind absolutely crazy. My brain will so convince that when he opens that bathroom door I instantly give him attitude. Like I said before he does know about all of this, and we talk about it frequently, however when in the moment dealing with it, I can’t just ask him because hes lied in the past so my brain instantly thinks he is lying, and he can delete and hide things before handing me his phone. I did go through his phone a couple days ago and found nothing inappropriate on there at all. So now rather than sitting being all pissy, I’m venting to you and its actually helping, I’m not as pissed and I’m not wanting to just sit here and cry.

Altho I should prolly let you all know that I don’t have a thyroid and don’t take meds on a regular basis, so this also plays with my emotions and shit big time.

Well everyone is up now so I better get this day moving. I hope everyone has a great day!

The day

Today was a long day, I was up a lot last night with heartburn so I felt pretty tired all day long. The company I am working closes in 2 weeks, so right now we are just troubleshooting customer issues since they updated the billing system. My closest colleague is still very passionate about the job, I try really hard but its just not there. My plan at this time is to ride it out and then do the unemployment thing and spend some extra time with my little guy and then find another part time job. The bf started his new job today and is just doing the training so this week will be ok, next week on the other hand will be when I start having a harder time dealing with the change.

Q pushed my limit tonight, dad was even scared. So we get out of the car and like always I tell him stand right here while I finish getting things and locking doors and dad is doing the same thing. I turn around and he takes off running towards one of the busy streets next to the parking lot. I yelled at him to stop and started running for him, he starts laughing as I grab a hold of him thankfully before he got to the street. Dad looked at him and told him why that was dangerous and that he needs to hold moms hand, the little shit seriously looks up at me with an evil grin and places both of his hands in his coat pockets…. Oooo! Dad picked him up and carried him before anymore could be said.

Well I’m gonna head to bed and see if we can do better than last night. Good night

Morning…..

Morning…. I think I might have to dedicate a time to actually sit and do this each day. I’m starting to enjoy writing, and to get a lot of my thoughts out feels really good.

Overall yesterday was a good day, even got out of the house for a little bit. Q ended up with a bald head, and supper I gotta say was amazing! So growing up in my family if you were a boy your haircut was always a shaved head, and my 2 older boys kind of fell in that as well. When Q was born I decided that I didn’t want to do that to him and we would just keep his hair trimmed up until he is old enough to decide what he wants to do with it. Well it was going over his ears and getting long in the back, so we decided to try and just trim it up. Since I can’t draw a straight line with a ruler, my friend decided she would trim, he did okay but wasn’t the most cooperative. Well it turned out looking like a bad 80s bowl cut, so dad decided to try and give him a military cut well let’s just say that didn’t turn out very well either, so shaved head it was. He still doesnt know quite to think about it.