Meltdown

So Tues. And Wed. I stayed home sick I dont know what the hell I caught but it was awful. The bf was amazing took q to daycare made sure I had everything I could need next to the bed. I’m not used to this so it really kind of throws me off at times.

I also had a moment to go thru his phone, and yes I did it. Now let me say this I do not go thru his phone every chance I get, and he tells me all the time “I dont care anymore, babe, go thru my phone I dont do anything. I go thru his phone when it has been quite some time since I’ve looked, and I’m really struggling mentally and I need that check with reality that he is really still being honest with me. So I checked his phone and there was nothing on it. I’m not surprised.

So today he starts his new actual shift which is 4pm – 1230am and the word is there, that there is always overtime so he could be working till 6am everyday. Which for him he see overtime lots of money catching up on bills and getting ahead. My mind on the other hand is yeah he is just setting himself so he can say he has to work till 6am and go hang out with some chic. He comes home at 6 sees me for a cpl of hours takes me to work and q to daycare and he has all day to himself and to hang out with girls or whatever. And the more excited he gets about this job and the money he could be bringing him home the more mind is convinced that he really is just excited about how much he doesn’t have to deal with me and q anymore. With that shift change happening today, I had a complete meltdown last night and this morning, especially this morning. And now it’s just me and Q here at home and part of me is going crazy. When I get home from work and look around the house to see what he did today any cleaning? making a mess? lay and watch TV all day? However there really isn’t any evidence that he was home except that I can tell he changed clothes. However that has never changed about him anytime we have been home at different times I always question whether he was actually home. I hate having all these thoughts, I had a friend even offer to drive me by his work to show me that he is there. I dont want to be that person nor do I want to rely on that rather than building the trust back up. There is nothing in my gut that says he is cheating on me, the majority of this is just past shit that has been done to me and since everything usually turns bad my brain is preparing for the worst, especially because in reality life is going good right now; however I also dont want to feel stupid. Like I said I talk to him about all of this so he knows all these thoughts and how I am struggling with this. He completely grabbed me this morning and hugged me deeply and told me he absolutely loves me and isn’t going anywhere and everything is going to be okay. Deep down I know it really is, but today I had a meltdown!